The irony is that over the years I have been more and more relieved that I did not have kids. No offense, I love kids. It just never seemed to be in the cards, and I'm so in love with my life as is, that I'm digging that the Dealer dealt me this hand. I used to joke: "Nah, I have a hostile womb," when people would ask me why, oh why i hadn't jumped at the joys of motherhood? They would threaten too: "you will regret this, trust me... you must be a mother. you were born for it." Um. I don't think so.

I have written about this before but obviously now it is particularly a propos!

I AM a mother after all! I never expected to be mothering my mother so intensely. There are times when i can't believe that I am in this strange position of authority - making terribly important and impossible decisions on her behalf. How did I even qualify for this job? Where's my degree?

I am learning daily to trust my instincts. Watching someone suffer, year after year physically, and now on this very existential level is humbling at best. So compassion is my armor. Forgiveness is my new default. Patience? My biggest challenge and lesson.

Getting mom anywhere is exhausting on every single level. Yesterday, (another Dr. visit) was one for the books. She was particularly cranky and sarcastic. She can spit out passive aggressive barbs with the best! Sometimes we just sing something from 'the sound of music' under our breath in order not to react. After all, she was the one asking for a doctor in the first place.

She even brought a book of her poems to give Dr. Kruger. He loved it, read one out loud, joked with her about already having two ex-wives named Nancy when she asked if he was married. (mom's legal name is Nancy) But still, she defaulted back to her complete funk.

There are no "teachable moments." I can't kiss it and make it better. There is no learning curve up.

Even Mr. and Mrs. Potato head didn't help.

Driving home finally, quiet, no complaints, she offers: "You know what would make me feel much better? If we could just get some ice cream."